June 2010 Feature Article
The Hardest Absence
Teachers, Counselors Help Students Cope with Parental Loss
By Sarah Colburn
Photography by John Linn
 | ||
| FEELING ALONE: With the help of her mother and her teachers, six year-old Amy Nolan overcame the sudden loss of her father to incarceration. | ||
This was not the Amy her family or her teachers knew. But they all knew the reason why.
In 2006, Amy’s father was suddenly arrested on assault charges and eventually sentenced to prison. Afterward, Amy virtually shut down. “Everything was too hard, too frustrating,” said her mother, Jolene Howard. “No matter what you did to encourage her, it was just too overwhelming.”
Howard contacted her daughter’s teachers for help and explained the arrest. They started journaling back and forth about Amy’s day, but the situation didn’t improve. Though Howard said she couldn’t have asked for more understanding and caring teachers for Amy, no one could provide the right advice or resources to turn the tide.
“Maybe the supports were there,” she said, “but the dots didn’t get connected for us.”
Connecting with Parents
Through a court-approved safety center, Howard allowed Amy to have supervised visits with her father before he was officially sentenced. She needed time to just sit with him and share a pizza or a burger, Howard said. Child advocates and counselors agree that most children benefit from having relationships with their parents, even if they are in jail or prison.
“It gave Amy the opportunity to understand the process of what was going on,” Howard
| 10 Signs of a Child Dealing with Parental Incarceration (click to view PDF) | |
 |
At Lincoln Elementary School in Little Falls, SocialWorker Anita Larsen said that she explains incarceration by conveying the idea that parents make mistakes, too, and that sometimes they need some time to think about their mistakes.
“They love their parent unconditionally,” Larsen said, “and those kids still need to know that it’s okay to love them and be loved by them. I make sure to tell them that their family is special, and they will always be loved by them. Remember the happy memories and the love you share with each other.”
With guardian permission, Larsen works with students to write letters to their jailed parent or to prepare talking points for an upcoming phone call. She also keeps track of all upcoming holidays, birthdays and special events, knowing those are difficult times for kids when a parent isn’t around. At school, Larsen said, anxieties often manifest as stomach aches or headaches. Other signs of emotional distress are children acting out or becoming easily distracted.
Growing Trend
Tracking kids who are impacted by parental incarceration is currently more of an art than a science. There are no mandatory reporting requirements, and parents often think withholding embarrassing information is in their child’s best interest. Often times, educators aren’t aware of the problem until students act out of character or mention something in an honest and vulnerable moment.
Elizabeth Rogers, executive director of student services and special education for the St. Cloud Area School District, said parental incarceration issues seem to be becoming more prevalent. Effects include emotional distress from changes in home addresses, school districts, or primary caregivers. Incarceration can also impact a family’s finances, requiring some students to receive unfamiliar services like free and reducedprice lunch.
“It definitely has an impact on kids coming to school ready to learn,” Rogers said. “They’re so consumed by an understandably emotional and difficult transition.”
Honest Talks
At Madison Elementary School in St. Cloud, Counselor Teresa Szymanski estimates that seven to ten students experience the pain of losing a parent to incarceration each year. Szymanski coordinates small groups that focus on social and leadership skills and developing a good self-concept. She also counsels children individually and allows them to lead the discussion.
She said that intense feelings of anxiety and guilt are toughest to overcome. “These children worry,” she said. “They worry about whether they caused the arrest.They worry about the location and safety of their jailed parent. Children also worry about losing their other parent, and they want to take care of them.”
 | |
| "The children worry. The worry about whether they caused the arrest. They worry about the location and safety of their jailed parent. They worry about losing their other parent..." ~ Teresa Szymanski, St. Cloud School Counselor |
For those who need long-term counseling or deeper professional help, Szymanski said that St. Cloud School District counselors refer children to triage therapists who are able to secure priority mental health appointments and make referrals to agencies like Big Brothers Big Sisters and the Boys & Girls Clubs.
“It is important to let children share whatever feelings they have without judgment,” she said. “These feelings may change as part of the grieving process.” For Amy Nolan, who now attends school in Brainerd, a therapist was only part of the solution. More than anything, her mother said she needed time to realize the rest of the family wasn’t going to disappear, to understand daily changes in routines, and to make peace with her father’s absence. Therapy didn’t immediately change Amy’s behaviors, Howard said, but as a mom she learned how to deal with the behaviors and respond to her daughter without enabling her.
For Amy, the fear of separation was so strong that she wouldn’t allow Howard go to the grocery store alone or to leave her side at church activities. At night, she refused to sleep in her own bed. “She would ask me questions like, ‘What will happen to me when you die? Will you go away too?’” Howard said. “It broke my heart.”
Stigmas & Support
Larsen said she doesn't notice the stigma and embarrassment of parental incarceration affecting children until they are in third or fourth grade. Then, peers are more likely to have questions about what happened to a friend's parent or why their friend is living with an aunt or grandparent.
At the high school level, St Cloud Technical High School Guidance Counselor Krisi Lain prioritizes her discussions with students. Lain said she and other counselors are each referred to six to eight students per year who have recently incarcerated parents. Her first task is to find out where the student is living and whether they are signed up for the breakfast program or need any school supplies.
Counselors then try to provide some sense of routine and stability for the students. Lain invites students to her office during their lunch breaks or study halls. It's a time to connect, review their class schedule and assignments, and offer homework help.Many times, Lain said, there’s chaos at home and the environment isn’t conducive to studying.
“The biggest thing to remember is that they’re kids,” Lain said. “As kids they need love, they need support, and they need to know they matter.”
She works closely with students to help them see their full potential. If a student has spotty attendance Lain will review their classroom test scores and show students where they’re doing well academically. She also provides them with access to college and careerplanning resources.
“We build the kids up and make sure they understand what their potential is.”
"When it comes to advocating for my kids, I'm mouthy. You need to be mouthy sometimes."
- Jolene Howard, Amy's mother
Amy's Story
According to Howard, 2010 was a turning point for Amy. Her questions of uncertainty have been replaced with questions about summer activities, which include attending the L.I.F.E. Camp for children of incarcerated parents. Amy now understands, as best a 10 year-old can, that her father’s arrest and incarceration were not her fault.
Howard said she wishes more schools would have a clear plan to refer families to resources and take proactive steps to reach out when educators learn of a child’s situation. An employee of the Initiative Foundation in Little Falls, she volunteers with the Morrison County Inside-Out Coalition to help other families dealing with incarceration.
“My advice to parents is to be assertive and get involved with every decision at school,” Howard said. “When it comes to advocating for my kids, I’m mouthy. You need to be mouthy sometimes.”
Amy still asks about her father, who will be released over the summer, but she understands that he is not coming “home.” Howard said that their future relationship has yet to be determined. IQ
Initiative foundation | 405 First Street Southeast | Little Falls, MN 56345 | (320) 632-9255
